Wednesday, September 21
Back from my holiday!
Hello guys! I'm back from my holiday from the ski slopes. It was such a nice and much needed break. Especially after my big break down last week. Ah. The weather was a little too warm and the snow was fast melting. But it was still nice to be able to just 'plant' myself in the middle of what Darren calls a giant terrarium filled with grass and snow. We built igloos ( Sort of ) and made lots of snow balls. Skied till our bottoms hurt. Mmm.. Fun times indeed! I'll show you more pictures over the coming few days.
But for this morning, I'd really like to set some things straight. Not sure how many of you would have noticed from my twitter and Facebook. Well, some comments have started coming in and my goodness. They've turned my smile upside-down! I was all smiley and happy from my trip. It took me four whole days of holidaying to get all the negativity inside me all out of my system and to convince myself ok 'heck it! I'm going to do this and make more art and just go for it!' And just when I was all ready to go to bed, a nasty comment came in my inbox. Well, thinking it was work, I opened it and viola, nasty comment number 1! Then shortly after, nasty comment number 2! Then so on. Nice work anonymous commenters! The best bit, one of them ( The one with the comment on eating organic food ) is So obviously a friend from my facebook/twitter. I think I know who it is. But I'm just keeping my mouth shut.
The thing is, after all the comments, I ended up bursting into tears! I mean, I literally felt like my whole holiday-pyschoing just disappeared into thin air. Poof! Just like that.
Look, I appreciate all kinds of comments, good comments, mean ones. But the thing is, all I wanted to do in the first place when writing that post, was to just bare it all, the ugly and the difficult side of it. The fact that I was having only less than 5 sales from January up to June.. And then over 300 sales in Nov, December. The fact that people have often questioned me how I do it. The instability of it all, the not-knowing. Well, I deal with it! And sometimes I whine, most times I cry. I never said life wasn't difficult for a doctor/lawyer/banker/whatever other job. I've got a gazillion friends who are doctors. My two really great friends are lawyers. My best girlfriends. They're each a banker and businesswoman. They have it hard too. They have late night shifts and long hours, and often have to give up going to stuff they like. Life IS hard. No matter what you do. It's just how much job stability one has, that makes it even harder. The not-knowing.
I am human and I believe in God. I know no matter how hard it gets, I can always lean on God and everyone whom I'm blessed with. My friends, you guys who often encourage me in times of doubt, etc. There are times when I break down and just feel like giving up. Everyone feels that way too no matter what they do. And in my case, I have a blog and I share it with people. I like being honest nd I've always believed in being honest. I am really such a simple girl. I love what I do. I do it to the best of my ability and I share with others what I do. Life isn't always peachy. And I share the downs with people too. I am so open that way. That's just how I am. I truly appreciate honesty and just not being all miss perfect.
I come from a middle income family. And growing up, sure, I've always admire those with a good paying job and stable income. A lot of us do. My friends often ask me so, how will you earn your keep as an artist? I grew up with that question being drilled into me for so long. Of course it'll have some sort of adverse effect on me. I start questioning myself. If this is really the path I want, etc. I sometimes yearn for what others have. I always hoped I was smarter. Back in primary school, I got canned in front of the whole class for getting a 56 for my maths. I was in a top math class. And everyone always got a 10/10 for mental sums. I always got a 2/10. Simply because numbers and fast thinking just don't go down well in my books. I remember I always had to stand in front of the whole class, explaining why I got a 2 and not a 10. My classmates thought I was a freak and often threw my diary into the bin. They stained my white skirt with ink and drew comics of me naked and circulated around the entire class. I was the arty farty freak who was bad at maths. In high school, my parents were often called to the principal's office simply because I was failing my math and sciences. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't prove to my teachers that I was trying hard enough. I stayed back every single day till 6. Sometimes 7pm. School starts at 7.20am in Singapore, mind you. I stayed back for remedials that were made compulsory specially for me. Teachers thought I was just a slacker. Once again, I was the art freak who topped the cohort in art and failed so badly in Math and science classes. My math teacher actually gave up and told me once 'Dawn. I think you should just get yourself through high school. Pass your math and be an artist.'
I guess the fact that I've gotten misunderstood for not trying hard enough with my math just always made me wish I could be smarter. But as I grew older, I told myself, no. I will not go on wishing and hoping and longing to be smarter. I am smart already. Smart when it comes to making art. If I can do art well. Then that's it! I'm doing art! Besides, I already love it so much, so surely it wouldn't be that hard right. You see, all I want is to be the best art teacher and artist to my ability. I want to be able to make things that will leave smiles on other people's faces. I want to be able to help others. That's all I really want. I don't dream of earning big bucks, having a fancy house. All I want is just a happy humble life, running my own little art school. Teaching kids, having everyone smile after getting to know how fun art can be. I want to be a humble woman, doing what I'm blessed with. That's all I want.
But there are times, when knowing what I want isn't enough to get me through not worrying about my rent, pay. etc. Everyone worries and it's just how open they are with their worries. I have a blog and it's where I say what I want and do what I want. I mean no one harm and I don't ever put any sort of jobs in a bad light. I whine and complain and cry. Because that's how I cope. I always think it's good to let it out of your system in one way or another. I write and cry, then pick myself up again. That's how I cope. And if anyone of you out there think it's stupid and that I should be a much stronger person and not whine so much, then I have nothing to say. Everyone copes differently.
Growing up, my parents always told me to indulge occasionally and reward myself when I work hard. I work VERY HARD mind you. And occasionally I indulge in nice things like a pair of clogs, and some organic veggies. I can't afford hasbeens. So I buy clogs that are 1/3 the price. I eat organically once in a blue moon, because the grocer near my studio has an offer. Look, as much as I reward myself, I do know how very blessed I am. I know that there's a lot of people out there without food and clothes. I give thanks everyday for what I have. And occasionally I donate stuff/money/clothes to help others in need. I know somewhere out there, my tiny bit of contribution is helping some kid/adult. And I'm happy knowing that. It's not like I'm just flooding myself with material things and just whining all day long. I mean how often do you get 3 whiney post one after another on my blog?! Never!
I just feel so misunderstood and just so affected by those comments. It just makes me want to just sort it all out and settle it once and for all. Well, enough of ranting. I do feel better now. Ok. I promise this will be my last amazingly-long whiney post. ( At least for a while ). If you can't deal with it anymore, then stop reading my blog! It is my space and I get to say what I want. Be open and leave if you're not happy. I will not censor what I want/need to say just because I want my blog to always be 100% happy and sparkly positive. This is life. My life so just keep reading if you want. If not, it's okay.